Published March 20, 2009 | 
A friend of mine is getting married tomorrow. What’s the best advice you can give to newlyweds?
Say thanks for all the little things. Appreciation is like lube. Makes everything go more smoothly.
Learn how to handle disagreements — with respect, honesty, love, commitment, understanding. That is the one vital skill you need to survive everything.
Don’t let things that bother you lay quiet and fester into resentments. Communication is key.
Talk about everything, and listen carefully.
If you don’t like the way your spouse does something, do it yourself.
Have a lot of sex.
Shut up and *listen*.
And “listen” does not mean “nod while I wait for my turn to talk.”
Remember to look after yourself, and not just the other person.
That said, don’t talk smack about your spouse to third parties unless you really mean it, because you’re partners, and your partner should come ahead of other people. Also, don’t keep secrets from or lie to your partner.
Exceptions if your partner is whacking you or having a non-negotiated affair or otherwise being a complete asshole, of course.
You are a team. Each of you does something way better than the other does. Turn that to the team’s advantage, and sort out early what responsibilities each person will take on, towards the greater good of enhancing the team’s longevity.
Also, make sure you find something to laugh about together EVERY SINGLE DAY.
Listen, listen, listen. Say thank you a lot. Appreciate your luck.
It is better, sometimes, to be kind than to be right. Alienate the inlaws early and completely: this saves valuable time and angst later.
Remember: Your beloved cannot read your mind. If something is bothering you, you have to tell them. How else will they know?
I take it that “DON’T DO IT!!!!” isn’t in order?
As a certain friend of mine says, “Never ever forget the three most important words: You were right.”
presume good will.
Say I love you daily and make each other smile or laugh daily, even when things are tough. And find how your partner’s fault tie into what you love about them (IE: indecisiveness = getting your way).
If your partner does something that makes you angry, talk about it, …but wait until you have calmed down enough to talk without screaming.
All of these are wonderful; wish I’d known them seven years ago :)
Mine:
Your partner can’t be everything you want or need him/her to be; don’t be afraid to have separate interests, your own life, things that are yours. That said, always always always keep your spouse close and included and remember that you are together because together you are more than you could be alone; you enrich and expand each others’ lives.
Also, travel, experience, learn together!
Don’t forget to breathe. Pay attention to differences between your preferred pacings and those of your partner(s), and respect the differences. Try to be gentle to each other.
Nope. Care to try again?
When you are both getting frustrated take a break from talking. Sit near each other. You don’t have to touch, but it can help. Let yourself feel all the frustrated feelings and don’t vocalize them. Then when you get to the point where you feel kind of wrung out from emotion hug your partner. It’s a lot easier to talk after that.
Advice to people not so close to getting married: The wedding is for you. It is not for your parents or your friends, and nothing is mandatory about how you do it.
Enjoy each other, be yourself, and don’t feel like you have to go to relatives for Christmas.
You will still have the chance to fall in and out of love with many different men/women. They’ll just all be your spouse.
Pay attention.
Listen.
Practice compassion.
– to your spouse and to yourself.
Be mutually and productively stubborn as hell.
Don’t go to bed angry, listen listen listen and remember, you picked each other for a reason, you wanted to be with one another. So its worth fighting to stay together.
This.
If you are unhappy or dissatisfied, do not assume that your partner is the problem and that you would be okay if they would change. Instead, make your first assumption that the problem is with the way you are looking at the world.
You can occasionally get people who love you to change little things, like ‘Please don’t leave the towels on the floor, it drives me insane’ or ‘If you’re going to have X over, could you arrange it for an evening when I’m out’. You can’t change the big stuff, because that change is their business.
Remember you’re on the same side.
I have someone else’s answer, one which I like better than any of my own.
“Marriages, like houses, haven’t got ‘ever afters.’ The stucco chips off and the cat falls through the screen and the bathroom drain runs slow. If you don’t want the house falling down around your ears, you just plain have to learn to wield a trowel and a hammer and a plunger. And all that activity helps to keep you warm.” –Nancy Mairs, Carnal Acts, 1990.
i just sent this to my soon-to-be husband :D
Couples’ counseling is even better for couples who aren’t having problems. You’ve probably hired a caterer, a photographer, and a florist for your wedding – consider bringing in a professional to work on the marriage.
Remember a marriage is a different sort of thing than a wedding–less spectacular, more durable, more rewarding. Be compassionate with your partner and with yourself. Presume goodwill, but not mindreading or perfect judgment. Maintain friendships (as a couple, and as two individuals). If you are starting to feel like a martyr, ask for help. And if your relationship is happy and stable, and you have a friend in trouble, offer help (but it’s a good idea to check with your partner before offering the couch.)
Mutual respect is vital to a successful marriage. If the respect starts getting damaged on either side, get help as soon as possible. This can be healed from but it’s not easy.
Listen first, talk second. I cannot stress this enough. I don’t do this enough and it’s not good when I forget this rule.
Fights will happen, despite the best of intentions and the best effort. So acknowledge this, and agree in advance to this general rule: When you’re fighting, only one person gets to be a jerk at one time. The other person has to simply treat the jerk as one would treat a child having a tantrum. Additionally, the same person doesn’t always get to be the jerk.
A friend of mine told me this story about his aunt and uncle: The aunt had been to a consciousness-raising session, and came home to tell her husband that they should each write down all the things they didn’t like about the other person, and then trade lists, so that they would know what they needed to work on in order to be a better partner. The uncle was dubious, but sat down with his wife and two yellow legal pads at the kitchen table. She started writing right away, and he waited until she stopped and looked at him. Then, every time his wife wrote something down, he’d look at her and write something down too. She got more and more nervous, as he wrote something down every single time she did. Finally, she said “Let’s trade lists.” He smiled and said “Here’s mine,” and handed it to her.
When she saw his list, she said “Please don’t look at mine!”
Written repeatedly down the yellow sheet in neat columns in his handwriting was:
“I love you. I love you. I love you.”
In a similar vein, every day I choose one thing that would normally irritate me about my husband, and I try not to let it get to me. See what someone else said above, about finding the advantage to you in your partner’s faults.
No matter what the poets and storytellers say, love does not solve everything. Some things take a lot of work, a lot of discussion, and a lot of compromise.
No matter what the text of your marriage vows said, every day, minute and moment you spend with your partner is a choice – even if the choice is to default to staying. Remember that you are both continuously choosing to remain together. Never let it become routine or habitual. Never take one another for granted.
Last thing: Find out what your partner’s Fig Newtons are, and give them to them, even if they don’t make any sense to you.
Not to quibble, but John Gottman’s research on successful marriages suggests it is actually smart to stop the fight once one or both of you are flooded to the point that you can’t think clearly. Calming down and going to bed with a promise to return to the topic anon is, in those cases, the wiser course.
My advise to the couple: Get “The Seven Principles that Make Marriage Work” and “The Relationship Cure.” Read them and use the information to inform how you handle conflict. The “Sound Marital House” model is incredibly well-researched, and fits with what I’ve seen from successful couples in my years as a marriage therapist.
Even if she’s breast feeding, sometimes it’s your turn to get the kid.
Don’t rely on the other person to ‘make you happy.’ Accept them for who and what they are — and be sure you’re willing to do this *before* you get married. Realize that the person you fell in love with represents not only an opportunity for joy but an opportunity for growth.
Tweets on marriage
dakiwiboid: Listen. Pay attention. Always take time for each other. Remember a job is just a job.
lysana: “I am not sure I heard you correctly” is almost as important as “I love you.” Sometimes more so.
hillarygayle: always be more polite than necessary to each other. That’s one of my favorite things about my relationshp with Bryan
mactavish: Don’t expect marriage to seal anything. It’s an ongoing promise.
cawcaw: be honest
From Facebook (names removed for privacy)
always love strong.
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Love and romance don’t make up for staying out of each other’s way in the bathroom.
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Listen. Always listen.
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Don’t get married. Oh, wait…
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Insist upon alone time every day.
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Stay silly and giggly, it’s the only way to watch the years go by and still stand each other.