Published November 17, 2008 | 
tamnonlinear reminds us:
It’s not okay for someone to hit you.
…
If someone you love comes to you and says that a loved one has hit them, DO NOT START MAKING EXCUSES FOR THAT PERSON.
National Domestic Violence hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE / 1-800-799-7233 1-800-787-3224 TTY
Not all abusive relationships are heterosexual.
Am I in an abusive relationship?
are characterized by extreme jealousy, emotional withholding, lack of intimacy, raging, sexual coercion, infidelity, verbal abuse, threats, lies, broken promises, physical violence, power plays and control games. Abuse does not have to be physical.Emotional abuse is as damaging as physical abuse, though it is often harder to recognize, and therefore to recover from. Emotional abuse causes long term self esteem issues and profound emotional repercussions for the partners of abusers. Abuse typically alternates with declarations of love and statements that they will change, providing a “hook” to keep the partner in the relationship. Abusive relationships are progressive -
Abusive relationships get worse over time. Emotional and verbal abuse frequently shifts to more overt threats or physical abuse, particularly in times of stress. Abusers are generally very needy and controlling; the abuse escalates when they feel they may lose their partner, or when the relationship ends.
We as a culture seem to have a hard time taking overt abuse seriously — violence, threats, extreme possessiveness. But subtler forms of emotional manipulation can also become abusive. Keep an eye out not just for partners with shotguns but for partners whose love is so intense that it ends up cutting you off from other people.
Once I knew a family — husband, wife, a few kids. The husband was very loving or very possessive, depending on how you looked at his behavior. Came to have lunch with his wife every day while she was at work. Kept close tabs on her. Called her multiple times a day and got upset when she wasn’t available. I don’t know what happened behind closed doors. But he was a good husband, by local standards. Worked hard, didn’t run around, went to church, was involved with his wife and kids.
She tried to leave once, but he was so heartbroken, so contrite, so sweet to her that she went back.
In time their son was in high school, and he fell in love. He dated this girl for a year or so. Where I come from, high school relationships often end in marriage. The girl had other ideas.
The son used to go up to the hill above the high school running track just to watch her run, her long hair flying in the wind. He’d sit in his truck and watch and cry. He loved her.
And one day he pulled out a rifle, sighted, and shot her down like a deer. Good clean shot. Then he put the rifle under his own chin and blew his head off.
If you can’t or won’t get away for your own sake, think of what you’re teaching your kids about love.
Thank you.
BTW what would be a good reference for a layperson to gain a better understanding of PTSD?
Holy crap, Lynn. Just…holy crap.
Also, a really good series of posts for October’s National Domestic Violence Awareness Month.
Augh. I recently read a series of 3 or 4 posts on someone’s blog about PTSD and now I can’t remember where it was. It was, bar none, the best thing I’ve ever read on the condition.
I may actually have been linked to it by our genial hostess, but I know it was from my f-list. I’ll post a lazyweb request, because googling is not helping me find it.
You are awesome for posting this.
rachelmanija? Here.
Judith Herman’s Trauma and Recovery is intense, but very very useful.
And I am always willing to talk about it, offer advice, etc., here or in 3D.
That’s the one. Thank you. :)
Oh. Man.
I spent my summer…six months of my life…involved with a “friend” who turned out to be the most abusive person I’ve run across since my Mother died.
Let’s just say that the summer was mostly unpleasant.
Let’s also say that I finally went cold turkey on the “relationship” and am finally waking up and realizing what was going on.
Thanks for the links.
I wish I had known this when that cow of an ex-wife was being abusive. I figured most guys had to tolerate it. Thankfully, a friend got me out before I got killed.
I should have phoned the cops.
Congratulations on it only being six months. That’s a good thing. I hope you’ll bounce back soon.
I’m sorry you had such a horrible experience. I’m so glad your friend was there for you. Guys don’t have to take it any more than women do. No one does.
Thank you for posting this. The more we keep saying it, the more people will remember that they deserve not to be abused. And, the more people will remember it before they raise their hand or voice, which is just as important. We deserve to be free of violence on all sides, in all ways.
If you can’t or won’t get away for your own sake, think of what you’re teaching your kids about love.
yes. parents are where we learn this sort of thing. think of what you’re teaching the kids.
Yep.
My sister’s ex tried to murder her with his car.
My other sister… had a roommate. I say had, because the roommate broke up with a boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend shot that girl in the middle of the college parking lot.
And people wonder why I take boundaries seriously and why I don’t let people who show even the slimmest of certain warning signs into my life? Sorry if that spoils someone’s party, but I’d like to continue being alive. I rather like it more than the alternative.
more people will remember that they deserve not to be abused.
That’s the hardest part for me, accepting that I didn’t deserve it. And finally feeling like I can talk about it, even though not publicly and not easily because I get attacked by those who can’t believe she is capable of it.
Something about speaking about it, in person or in text (though I think each has a different cognitive effect), and bringing it into the collective reality is very important to the process of healing. And sometimes, people need to talk about it over and over again. I’ve been through this with friends recovering from abusive relationships. The more they talk about it, the more they begin to say, “hey, I didn’t deserve that!”.
Paradoxically, often there has to be that spark that it wasn’t deserved for someone to bring it up in the first place. So, being able to talk about it is a very good thing. Needing validation and reminding that you didn’t deserve it is okay. Don’t stop asking people you trust to confirm the reality of your experience. It’s not wallowing or bashing the other person; someone can support your experience without jumping in the deep end with you. You need to get out, and they can’t help you as well if they throw themselves in there with you in solidarity. That’s what I try to do for my friends, support them without falling into their pain and anger.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with a case in which your experience threatens other people’s comfortable paradigm. I hope you can find a cluster of people who will support you. I’ve been left adrift because people around me felt they needed to support my abuser more than me. I felt it was very unfair, and it made life terrible for me, but at least they didn’t say it couldn’t have happened. Believing you doesn’t mean devaluing the other person, it just means she needs help, too. It’s not fair to her, either, to insist on maintaining a fallacy.
I hope you can find a safe place to get the feedback you need to build on the realization that you didn’t deserve to be abused. <3 You didn't deserve it.
Lynn, you know I agree with you completely, but this is really triggering. Cut-tag? Please?
I am so sorry. I’ve cut-tagged and labelled it.
Please accept my apologies.
I am so sorry. It does happen, and you don’t deserve it.
I am glad you’re out and safe and in a much better relationship.
Thanks — I hadn’t seen that.
I figured most guys had to tolerate it.
“What’s wrong with me that I’m not tougher? Why can’t I shake it off and act normal like everyone around me?”
(With me it was being abused by my parents, but…I dig. Sometimes it takes you a while to figure out that no, in fact, the reason other people are acting normal is because they’re not being abused. Holy batbulbs, lightman.)
Oh, no problem. I hate to ask because it really is an important message to get out there.
I think I’ve got it so the essential links are outside, the triggering stuff inside.
Yeah. I spent years putting up with all kinds of awful treatment because at least nobody was chasing me with a shotgun.
That is not a high enough standard.
And everyone thinks oh, it can;t happen to people like us.
Yes. It. Can.